Have I Been Worshipping The Wrong god?

Recently I was asked “How is your day going?” That was around 11am on a day that I was having a rough morning. I responded honestly and said “Well, I am having a rough moment right now”. This woman said to me “Well, don’t let that moment color the entire page.” I loved the imagery it gave me and as I reflected on it I recalled every time as a child

that I would start a page over because I had “messed” up. I hated the mistake, I loathed what it did to the picture, so starting over was always my default. Starting over does not necessarily sound like a bad idea, I mean how many times do we encourage ourselves and others to hit the reset button? Here is the issue with that, as a kid I also recall not finishing the page I had restarted and calling the entire experience a failure.

Not much changed into adulthood. I have countless memories of moments that I allowed a brief moment to paint the entire day for me, looking for the reset button, hitting it, and not following through because the emotion of failure consumed me. Accustomed to seeing the bad, filtering life’s events through negativity, I have allowed many victories to go unnoticed because I was committed to idolizing the hard “moment”.

If you have been coached by Maggie you have heard “Dig 5 levels deep”, a discipline that I am just now practicing. So, I asked myself “What does this hard moment do for you and what do you get out of it?” Well, It tempts me to feel self-pity and depression. “Ruth, go deeper” (I hear in my head), so I ask myself “and what do Depression and Self-Pity yield you?” lonnnnnngggggg pppaaaaauuuuusssseeeee………why the long pause? Well, because the answer jumped right out and like a grade school bully it pointed at me and mocked me. It said, “Depression is your default comfort, and self-pity makes you feel entitled to attention from others, and when you get it, it feels good, so your brain has become addicted.”

SO NOW WHAT? Instantly I felt shame and the shame turned to self-hatred. I tried journaling, I tried telling a friend, I prayed about it and still the feelings would not subside. It was not until I repented, like whole heartedly repented without giving any excuses or reasons that I did not feel a breakthrough. I repented for making a god out of my emotions and committed to no longer worshiping them. In the spirit of transparency, I need to confess to you that this repentance took place 2 hours prior to writing this. I can say with certainty that I feel his mercy toward me, and I have made a new commitment to myself and to the Lord. I trust that God will see me through, HIS track record is perfect.

If you are struggling, and have tried every self-help book, every exercise, watched every YouTube video on the topic and are yet to receive breakthrough? Perhaps what you need to do is repent and receive His forgiveness. Love you guys! We are in this together!!!!

Ruth Reyes-Vega, Biblical Literacy Coach

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