“Ruth sit down, I wanna tell you something” said my Pastors wife. Excited and eager to know what she had to say I squeezed myself into the seat next to her. “I wonder what I did, I don’t think I did or said anything stupid lately, who knows, maybe she has something juicy to tell me…” thoughts racing through my head, all these questions manage to flood my mind before my not-so-average thighs uncomfortably overwhelm her not-so-steady wooden chair. “Ruth, there’s someone who I know cares about you and believes you are ready for marriage, he says you are absolutely beautiful, you’re smart, funny….” I already know who she is talking about, every fiber of my being is screaming in excitement, but I have to keep my cool. Her voice starts to fade out as I day dream of him and I walking down an aisle together. This is it, the moment every woman dreams about, the moment she is told she is wanted. Her lips keep moving and I decide I should probably tune back in, besides I have to tell her I am interested as well. As I check back into her monologue I become confused. I interrupt her and ask “He said I’m too fat?” She didn’t say no, instead she glorified the statement by saying “he’s just not attracted to your size” As if that statement held less weight.
I responded with a sassy attitude, “I plan to lose weight, I’m not doing it for him though, besides I don’t like him like that”. I barely could get the sentence out. The words had to navigate their way out through the pain of rejection and utter embarrassment. Truth is I loved this man. I couldn’t hear the word “wedding” without attaching his name to it. Every love song I heard I envisioned singing to him, in a short time he became the secret love of my life, but “fat” came between us. Could I have possibly forfeited a lifetime of love because I wasn’t fit?
The answer to that painful question came two years later when I managed to lose 52lbs. “No Ruth, fat did not keep you from your husband.” As I lost pounds I found more of me. The more I found of me the more I learned to love about me. I am now glad I didn’t marry him. He was meant to be someone else’s. Had he pursued me I would have become a slave to his idea of “Beautiful.” My self-worth would have lied in his approval of my appearance. My security would no longer have been in who God said I was, but rather in what “he” thought of me. He would have become my idol and God will not compete for my affections. Moral of the story, if you’re a cupcake away from a heart attack, lose some pounds before you kick the bucket, if there is something about you that needs changed, by all means pursue change, just never do it to gain the approval of a person.
For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.
When you aim to please someone, are you genuinely seeking to make them happy or are you just fearful of rejection?
Written By Ruth Vega